Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
