so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
