fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
