It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
