If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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