Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
