My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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