dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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