I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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