Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
