Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
