so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
