stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
