i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
