You're my little dorito
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
