By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
