Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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