I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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