My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
