i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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