A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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