My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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