Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
