Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
