i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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