Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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