Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
