No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
