I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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