my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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