They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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