found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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