He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
