We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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