I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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