The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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