I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
