theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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