I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
