i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
