I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
