We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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