why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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