Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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