i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
