Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
