If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
