I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
