One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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