Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
